My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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