I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
