I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
