Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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