Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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