Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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