Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
