piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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