My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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