Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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