I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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