break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
