Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
