The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
