dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
