If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
