is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
