my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
