I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
