Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
