After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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