if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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