i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
