I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
