Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
