my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
