It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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