when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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