She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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