It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
