Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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