Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
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Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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