Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂