Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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Im just a social blackout drinker.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.