Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
