I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
