I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
