yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
