I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
