And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize