Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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