Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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