So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
