We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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