Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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