i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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