You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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