have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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