I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
