Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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