Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
