Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
