Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
