Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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