Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
