saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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