three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
