I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
