Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
BRING THE BAGELS
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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