So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
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so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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