And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
