Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
