Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
