those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
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Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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